It’s that time of year. The days are shorter. The holidays are just around the corner. If I asked you to list your top priorities right now, would your name be on it? I think most of us look at that question and think, “are you out of your mind?” I have too much going on. Here’s the rub though, if you don’t put you on your priority list, no one else will.
The Invisible Pattern: When You Start to Disappear from Your Own Life
Has anyone ever watched an old television show from the 1950s or 1960s like “Leave it to Beaver” or “Father Knows Best” or “Bewitched”? I have. Do you know what those shows have in common? The wife/mother stayed home, and the husband went to work. The missus took care of the house and children, and the mister was the breadwinner. I ask about these old shows, because I think most of us would agree, our world looks nothing like that today. For many of us, both partners are working and sharing many of the household chores and childcare responsibilities, which leads many of us to deprioritize ourselves because we have other priorities.
Sadly, as we push ourselves further and further down the list of priorities, not only do we become invisible but so do our needs, even to ourselves. When we’re so focused on our job and family responsibilities, our “self” suffers. We lose sight of our own needs. I would suggest we don’t lose sight so much as we disregard our needs, telling ourselves we’ll take care of us later. Only later never seems to come. There’s always one more thing we need to do for work, or there’s something else that needs to be done at home. We simply find ourselves in this rinse and repeat pattern.
The Cost of Being Last: Burnout, Resentment, and Beyond
As proposal professionals, we are put into situations where we are working long days over weekends and occasionally holidays. This pace is not sustainable for more than a few days. We’ll tell ourselves it’s necessary to get the proposal done, but is it really? I believe we are so conditioned to this type of schedule, we fail to realize we are making sacrifices we may not come back from. Our health (mental and physical) begins to suffer. Our family suffers. Before we know it, we’re constantly tired; our motivation is gone; and we’re burned out.
Once we hit burned out, we run the risk of becoming resentful. Resentful of the people who are taking vacations (we’re in the middle of a proposal people!). Resentful of the people who clock out at 5pm. Resentful of everyone who seems to be more balanced than we are.
How do we avoid this?
Reframing the Narrative: Self-Prioritization is NOT Selfish
Let’s start with reframing our thoughts. For some of us, we’ve been conditioned to believe putting yourself first is the act of a selfish person. Is it really? If you take a trip via plane, what are the instructions regarding oxygen masks? Put your mask on first, then help someone else with their mask. Why? Because you cannot help anyone else if you’re incapacitated.
With that in mind, let’s take another look at putting ourselves on our priority list. It’s not selfish of me to want to take care of myself. In fact, it’s necessary to take care of myself. If I don’t, who will? No one that’s who. Taking care of yourself is not a selfish act. It’s an act of kindness—to yourself.
As a parent, I often put the needs of my children before my own. In hindsight, I wonder if that was wise. Did I do them and myself a disservice doing this? I’d like to think not, and overall, I don’t think I did. However, I’m sure there were moments when I did us all a disservice because I didn’t properly take care of myself.
Remember, you are a priority. Be sure to put yourself on your list, preferably at the top.
Tools for Awareness and Action
So, how do we ensure that we make ourselves a priority and protect our “me” priority? Each of us will answer differently, and some of us won’t have an answer at all. I offer the following suggestions:
- Set a meeting with yourself, so it is on your calendar. Whether this is for 10 minutes or 30 minutes, it doesn’t matter. The amount of time isn’t what’s important. Blocking the time is.
- The purpose of the meeting is to ensure you are taking care of you. How do you do this? Here are my suggestions:
- Take a walk. Getting up and moving is great for both your physical and mental health even if it’s only for 10 minutes.
- Try journaling. As a place to start, try this prompt – “What do I need right now that I’ve been ignoring? What would it look like to give that need my attention this week?” I recommend giving yourself 5–10 minutes to write freely, without judgment.
- Is there someone you’ve been meaning to reach out to? Use this time to call or text them.
- Perhaps you’ve been meaning to check out the new bestseller. Use this time to read a chapter or two.
- Does music sooth your soul? This might be a great time to cue up your favorite playlist and belt out a tune or two or maybe show off a dance move or two.
Regardless of what you choose to do during your “meeting,” the key is you honor your commitment to yourself and step away from work for a few minutes. This time away will allow you to recharge, and if you’re like me, the time away often produces new ways of looking at things, which help you tackle your to-do list.
Living the List: How Prioritizing Yourself Changes Everything
Unless the weather is absolutely terrible, my day starts with a morning walk. Earlier this year, we made the decision to adopt a 7-year old German Shepherd named Hercules from our local shelter in part because I needed a walking partner. Someone who was going to ensure I didn’t make any excuses why I couldn’t walk that morning. This morning walk sets the tone for my day. It’s my time to connect not only with my walking buddy, but also mother nature. My only caveat for the morning walk is not to force where my thoughts go.
Some mornings I’m thinking about work. Others I’m focused on what needs to be done around the house. Some days it’s about upcoming important dates (birthdays, anniversaries, road trips, etc.). The key for me is to let my brain go where it needs to most that day.
Over the years I’ve learned the days that I don’t get to start with a walk are the days I’m more irritable, short-tempered, and likely to snap at someone. To avoid being a cranky witch, I do everything in my power to ensure I get my morning walk. It makes me a nicer, happier, balanced person. Someone others don’t mind being around.
I encourage you to find your daily must have whether it’s a morning walk or time writing or reading or listening to music or whatever it is that you need to ensure you are taken care of and schedule that time.
Conclusion: A Moment for You
If you’ve never put yourself on your priority list, getting started might seem difficult. After all, how do you begin to prioritize yourself if you’ve never done it before?
Let’s start by asking what’s one small, meaningful step you can take today to move yourself higher on your list?
Remember, when you make space for yourself on your priority list, you don’t take away from others—you lead by example. Start with one small step today. You’re worth the space.
